Friction : Dean Winchester - Songfic.

      
                                            
                                                                      **SPOILERS FROM SEASON 9 AND 10**
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                                                                              Get down with the victim
                                                                           We both know you need them

This is what I've become, a monster. A freak. It's not that I can help it, because I can't but yet all at the same time I could.. I could give in. I could feed the mark. Give it what it wants. People are dying because of me and either way that's how its going to end. If I become what the mark is willing to make me then I will kill. Loads of people and things will get butchered because of my pleasure. Everything that I have kept in will get loose and no one... not even Sam... not even Cas will like what happens to me after that. I will kill them.

                                            

                                                                              You’re stuck in the middle
                                                                                    Of all irrelevance

    My feelings are getting in the way with how I view things. If I could leave it all to my soulless self. I would forget what it takes to feel and everyone I love and take it upon myself to change into the thing that I have been fighting for so long. But its not that easy. I don't want people to get hurt any more when I am still feeling. Its literally killing what makes me a Winchester. I am becoming what me and my brother hunt and it scares the crap out of me.

                                                        

                                      

Sam. My baby brother. Looked after him most of our lives together. I can't let him down. Neither of us would survive without the other. We need each other. I need him. But when he lies to me.... to protect me... it pisses me off. Why can't he tell me the truth? He knows how much it means to me to be normal. But what is normal in our lives? But if I get through this with his help. I will completely forgive him. I'd do the same for him. We both know that... hopefully.

                                        

Castiel. So much to say. I need him as much as I need Sam. He's family. He seems to understand me. For some dumb ass reason he has faith in me, that feathery ass angel who looks upon me. Why does he still look at me as if he knows me? I can't even do that when I look in the mirror. It means a lot to know he cares. I appreciate it. And I wish I could change what I'm becoming. Sometimes I see how scared he really is when he looks at me, Cas. Cas can probably sense I'm thinking about him. At least he knows I'm still human. I still have time left to feel. Whatever's left of me.
                                                               

So much to say about Charlie. I'm sorry it had to end that way. She was a part of the family. Hopefully Sam, Cas and I find a way to get her back. That's if we have time. It sounds heart breaking but we don't have much time left to spare. God knows what else Sam and Cas are keeping from me. It got Charlie killed! I hate myself for it.... it's all my fault.

                                                                           And your heart is beating
                                                                      Cause you know that you gotta

                                            

It  hurts so much to know I'm going to loose this fight... its going to take control of me. Everyone I love is going to sit back and watch. If I had the choice and if this damn mark didn't keep me immune then I would have gone out a long time ago. I'm not the one for walking away but how am I supposed to walk away from something that is myself and inside of me... pumping in my veins.

                                                                           Get out of the middle
                                                                          And rise to the top now
 
                                                                 

It felt soo good at the time. It felt right and I loved it while it lasted but deep inside I know it was wrong to think so. That feeling of adrenaline was constant knowing I could do everything without a care in the world, to know I couldn't and can't die with the possibility of killing anyone that walks in my way. It was great. But I view things differently now...

                                                                            You can’t fight the friction
                                                                                      So ease it off

                                              
When I do go off the rails. And I know I will. I'm not doubting any more. I bet it will ease my pain. I won't have to feel any more. That's good right?

                                                                              Can’t take the pressure
                                                                                      So ease it off

                                                                       

 Sometimes I just want to die. I want to die without having the mark changing me. I don't want to cause any more trouble. I'm sick and tired of this life.

                                                                               Don’t tell me to be strong
                                                                                           ease it off

                                                                       

 I wish I could tell Sam how I truly feel. Either way he will argue different, he knows I'm a mess but so much so, I can't even think for myself without the mark twisting my words. I don't blame him because deep down I can see he don't trust me. I know him. He can't survive without me. He's not strong enough to fight me. And as for Castiel. I think... he'll always back me up, no matter what. That son-of-a-bitch... I wish I could tell him how I feel. I think deep down he knows. His angelic ass will find some way of knowing.

                                                                               You can’t fight the friction
                                                                                          So ease it off

                                              

I had gotten too big for my own good. Everyone on this frickin' Earth knows who I am and what I'm going to become. It just takes the right idiot to make me the person I don't want to be.

                                                                                     And get into the system
                                                                                  We both know you need one

                                                 

This is surely my hell. Not knowing what to do. Where to go. What's going to happen to Sam. To Cas... the control I have of myself, I can feel it slipping from my grip. I would much rather be in hell than on Earth. I'd rather torture myself and let demons have my soul to tamper with than myself roaming the grounds of my world and doing unimaginable things. It's all my fault...

                                                                                    The tip of the needle
                                                                                       Is taking over you

                                                     

The stab from Metatron repeats in my head, it always have some way of crawling back into the depths of my mind. I still feel the sharp blade slicing through me. Somehow I find that...

                                                                                 And your heart is beating

                                                   

Everything after that became clear. A lot clearer. I literally see things completely differently. But..

                                                                                Ohhh why can’t you let go
                                                                                   Like a bird in the snow

                                            

                                                                  

If I let go, I could be known as something different. The Winchesters will become extinct. Humans will be in danger. I have seen flashes of the future and if anything, it's going to be thrilling to see how things turn out if Sam and Castiel let me loose from this vessel. This is a whole new feeling for me. I feel like a vessel of something clawing inside of me, it scratching the surface. Much like a demon but its worse than that. My skin cringing of the feeling that something is going to latch onto my brain like the parasite of a brain tumour.

                                                                     This is no place to build your home

                                      

I think about this every night and one night, I know. I will fall asleep and wake up just like I did all that time ago. Dark and inhuman. I hope Sam and Castiel find something soon because already my thoughts feel jumbled and I feel as though if I hold on for much longer, I will blank out and do something that I may forever regret. That's if I ever feel human again.

~Laurenthebumblebee.